My Mother - My Mom
My Mother's Earrings
Decided to wear my mother?s earrings while visiting the city we lived in when I was a child. I haven?t been there in such a long time, wearing her earrings somehow helped me feel connected to her. While in that city I was in awwww of the memories that began to renew my senses again, my smiles of a young little girl in her dodge colt, driving around town, her being a single mom in the 70?s, the joy it gave me?good times.
While wearing her earrings I felt her love, power, hugs. I miss my mom soooo much, she really did mean everything to me. Whenever I hear the song Fragile by Sting I think of her, the beach the sand the ocean. She gave me the wisdom to fight?fight for yourself because there?s only one you. Kind of hard at times to grasp, life?s up and down the feeling of being alone, abandoned, no phone calls from her or conversations about who was on Oprah today.
At 31 I became motherless, since I was my mothers only child it hit me hard. I slept with her blanket after she passed for about 1-2 months. She spent most of her last days in the hospital, I howled a big cry when she took her last breath, my hand was in hers and I didn?t let go until I felt she reached her destination?.Heaven.
Sad part is, she?s gone?can?t get her back. But her earrings, her pictures, her videos of the sound of her laugh it?s what I hold onto. My daughters miss her greatly too, they cry for not having a grandmother to shop at the mall with them to help pick out a prom dress like the rest of there friends do, they cry because they want to take a little drive with her to Burger King or pick out the latest DVD new release?s at Blockbuster.
She made a Pac with her siblings (my aunt and uncle)when she died, to look after me. In the hospital room time and time again she made them promise her in front of me to make sure if I needed anything to keep in touch. Well to my surprise not only did they not keep my mom's promise they detached themselves from me entirely. When she died I was like dead to them, along with my children. I tried, tried and tried for YEARS to get there attention to get a hug, love a card a happy birthday but NOTHING.
Almost 4 months after my mother's passing I lost an aunt?not my mothers sister, but my all time favorite auntie in a car accident, then 2 months later my mother's nephew died in a car accident as well.
I think back, but then I don?t and despite the circumstances family members just didn?t hold up to there end of the bargain. I gave it my all?my darnest to stay connected to them, but the truth was my families I once thought I had were gone too, but over these past seven years the emotions, feelings and abandonment has eaten away at my insides. I let allot of hate, rage and anger towards them fester inside of me?How dare they do this to me! My kids and my mother?s legacy. ?When co-workers would ask what are you doing for the holidays, I would answer might spend time with the family? but that was a big fat lie, on the inside I wanted to tell them that my life is a complicated mess especially when it comes to my families. For seven long years I have missed my mom dearly, confused and in a daze and will continue to do so, but I?ve allowed the love, warmth and sunshine in because of my own children. There?s allot of stuff that I?m over compensating for with my own children, but it?s to be expected. What I lacked from my mother, I give to my kids. My mom was not perfect, but any means, but she was my mom and I loved her.
So when I touch my ears because I wearing my mothers earrings, I feel her love, her hugs and her smile. I think of the ocean, the sand the wind and her wonderful smile : ) My mom died when she was 49 yrs old and in eight more days it will be her birthday she would have been 56 yrs old. I still get sad, just because I would love to hug her, even though she wasn?t the huggie kind of mom, I would always force a hug on her and make her smile. And I still wish I can pick up the phone and ask her what she?s doing for her b-day, she was the traveling type not a homemaker kind of mom like me. She loved to live life to the fullest, and never really cared about what anybody thought about her.
Posted by Cup of Tea June 08, 2010 @ 12:48 PM.